Life's Antics

Sometimes, you think you’re alright. You look at life, fold your arms, tilt your head back a lil and think to yourself.. “pshhh no kick”. That’s when you forget, the hardships and the pain, the person that brought you through it, and the many creases in your life that came together to form that beautiful picture of your life. 

I recently wrote in my journal, my struggles of staying afloat especially with the matters of the heart. It’s been almost 2 years now, since a boyfriend came into play. I mean I’ve always been the girl who hopped from one relationship to another, and who never took the time to be single, so this is reallllly a feat for me. And the only reason why I managed to achieve such “greatness” is truly because I allowed God to have a bigger say in my life. But truthfully, I struggle.

It’s no big secret that I want a family, a reason to be saving up and working this hard. But when I look at God’s faithfulness in my life, how he gave me this job that I love so much. How He has seen me through my darkest days, and delivered me through all things. I’m reminded that my God is the same yesterday, today and forever more. He knows the condition of my heart and He knows the inside outs of things. I wrote of how my view is so lateral, I can barely see, and how God’s view is from the total perspective, He knows everything, He sees everything. 

My only prayer is that I keep my eyes focused on God, that He fix the kinks in my life and prepare me for His greater glory in all that He has planned for me. 

He makes all things beautiful in His time.

I finally caught Les Misérables with my sister, and no this is not a movie review, but there are a few spoilers ahead. I was just so amazed at how much God played a key role in the musical. Depicting the characteristics of 2 people; One so law-abiding and so dependent on works/deeds to gain his way to God, and the other so full of acknowledgement of his sinfulness he gave his sinful ways to God to start over a new leaf. The difference is that the latter knew he could not make a passage of salvation and redemption for himself. You see, like Valjean, your little wrong-doings will only end up cornering you, how can you save yourself from what you did previously? 

Of course, Valjean had to run and hideout from his “previous” life, but the only comfort he had was God was with him. Unlike Valjean, Javert was fixed on the words of theology, showing no love or compassion, just brutal and cold fixation on justice. God is a just God, but who are we to act out His part of justice to judge a man? It’s amazing how it showed 2 sides to views on religion. Javert practised dead religion - He did not follow God, he followed only the theology of God and was just so rigid in it, he failed to see the face of God. Valjean on the other hand, saw the grace and mercy of God, and he lived so passionately for the Lord, once he experienced the Love of God. He sang this sentence that spoke so deeply to me, “To love a person is to see the face of God”. He saw God, through the bitterness and hatred he should have harboured for Javert, by sparing his life. But Javert was so driven by the law that at the end he found no road to traverse on but death. He had seen forgiveness, but failed to receive that forgiveness.

I had tears welling in my eyes through most parts of the movie, and it really was a story so so so close to my heart. I am a sinner, led a life many people would despise. I was actually condemned for a period of time, and maybe even now. Like Valjean, I ran. I sought comfort in people, and tried to steal off them for some form of security. I tried to run from all that I had been and was looked down on for. Then, I reached a point when I had nowhere else to run. Who could I look to? I was lucky that I had already known God previously, and was just a lil far away from him especially with that hypothetical piece of paper that had labelled me a “criminal”. I cried out, and he answered. Bit by bit, he restored my life. Today, though I am not sinless, I am sin-free. Because Jesus took the fall for my sin, and I do not have to run any more  He gives me peace through the nights I feel so lonely and condemned. He gives me joy, when nothing seem to be able to lift my spirits. He gives me hope and pulls me through my darkest days and nights. And, He is constantly showing me love, so I can learn to love those who persecuted me, and the people around me. Now, I know, I don’t have to worry about my days, for He will lead me. He’s the true and living God, who knows my heart and my very thoughts. He knows you too you know? And the best part is, He knows everything you did, and still wants to be with you, and forgive you.

Being a good person is good, really it is. But is it enough? As the year draws to a close, and the spirit of Christmas still lingering in the corners of departmental stores and Orchard Road, we are reminded again of Grace. Grace that came to earth in the form of a babe, so we need not run from our little misdeeds and wrong-doings from the past. Grace so great, He died on the cross for ALL our sins, so we may be forgiven. Love so strong, that God was willing to come to earth to let allow us to leave a former life behind and start one, where His leading would bring shelter and peace. Isn’t it time to stop being a Javert? To acknowledge the forgiveness that has been shown to us through 3 holidays in the year (i.e. Christmas, Good Friday and Easter)? 

If I were a puppet, what would my strings be attached to? 

When I was growing up, it was all about chasing good grades, then  it was getting to know the popular kids and being part of the “in” crowd. Slowly, that matured and I found myself craving for companionship. Sad to say, everything that I had chased after, society is still chasing with such fervour (and unfortunately, I’m not the exception). The funny thing about it all is once you’ve attained it, you’re back for round 2 of chasing it again. And it winds into this endless race, e.g. You chase good grades, you get married, you have kids, and you egg your kids to chase good grades.. the cycle just never ends does it? 

I’m reminded of a testimony I read the night before, of how Dr. Richard Teo said something that still rings in my mind. As I paraphrase (due to my laziness and heck of a memory), the saddest people who struggling through life are not the poor people (in fact they are the the most content people I would say), they are the well-to-do and famous. It’s sad to realise how much emptiness materialism brings. Yes, you can say that when you finally get that Prada bag you’ve always wanted, or the score you’ve been striving for, or even the wife you’ve always envisioned, you feel a sense of fulfillment and happiness. But.. how long does that last for? Is it true that the void in our hearts are always gonna need a refilling? when is it ever enough? 

A personal story comes to mind, I caught myself walking out of a relationship 2 years ago, wondering what was wrong with me. I had everything I ever wanted; a person to lean on, a good university education, good friends, popularity and more. But yet when my relationship fell apart, so did my world. And it’s an irony how that relationship was my everything, when all we did was chase for happiness, reach it, get back into a state of stagnation and seek for more excitement that could possibly spur on the commitment we had. It was such an endless cycle of.. tiredness. We grew weary, but the need to find that happiness, in something we poured all our hearts into, seemed to overshadow the very problems we had. But what got me back up after the break up, was this simple thought, “the girl I was back when I was serving God so fervently, would have never gotten herself into this”. 

Truthfully, when I look back now, I would say the younger me probably would have; I was so full on about God, and yet my discipline had fallen short, hence my 5 year absence from the church had ensued. However, 2 years ago, that sentence was enough to make me “see the light”. After 2 years, albeit the struggles that happened in between, and the many mistakes and regrets I had caught myself in, I’m glad to say that who I am today, I wouldn’t trade it for anything (hmm maybe a chanel.. just kidding). I guess, I’ve found the right thing to pursue. And the irony in life is that it’s not about chasing the 5/6Cs or the goals of your heart, but just chasing that one God and what’s on his heart. Just doing all things to glorify His name, serve his people and being obedient to His voice and word. Somehow, this creates an effect wherein everything else would just seem to lose purpose and your only purpose is to please Him. Isn’t it another form of chasing, you might say. Well, the difference is this, my God gives me joy far greater then any joy. My God sees me through, even when I fail to make lemonades out of the lemons life has given me (chants “cliche”). And He, is a faithful God, through the good and bad times. Can your prada beat that? (teehee)

I’m pretty sure one day I’ll look back and comment on this very post. And I hope it’ll go along the lines of “psshh.. what was I even thinking, that was just the beginning of it all”. So, it I were a puppet, my strings would be attached to “Father, spirit and Son”  a.k.a. my great and might God. 

I’m no fan of chinese songs, in fact I used to proudly abhor them. When I first entered my teens, there was the whole f4 hype, and trust me, I was part of their army of fan-girls. That was a period of time I have somewhat blurred out due to embarrassment. Then it came a point of time when chinese songs were only heard by the chinese educated, I’m sorry no condemnation here. But finally, what drew me away from chinese songs totally, was the fact that whenever I heard it, something bad would happen. Or maybe I started tagging that affiliation to this genre of music, due to its “repulsive” tag being conjured up by my english-advocated environment. I’m glad I stepped past that phase, from being completely repulsed my it, to just being unaffected, and finally slowly learning to accept. I actually skipped to the last 2 songs in the church album (Yes the only 2 chinese songs), and just hearing it (though not really understanding the lyrics) seemed to have calmed my spirit. 

The bible says perfect Love drives out fear, and I’m glad this irrational fear, of being tagged as cheena, and all the weird affiliations that had slowly attached itself along with this fear has fallen through. Haha, just something random.. NIGHT

Finally, my final semester and though my days are packed from 8am to 6pm, I know who I am doing this for :) Makes it all the more gratifying.

3rd day of school and bammm it hit me that I was growing up way too fast for my own liking. But there comes a time when you need to stop denying the realities of life, and today was my day. Today I tried my hand at applying for a job, and I’m proud to have given that honor to a certain company I highly regard. Today, I drove my siblings around and bought dinner for the family. Today, I did everything I had put out to do on my to do list. Today, I decided that I was going to be a woman, not a girl anymore. 

I used to hide under the mask of a student, refusing to face the future and saying that it was too early to set my mind on anything. But now because of such procrastination, I find myself lost. So for this semester, I want to first, sturdy myself in my identity in Christ, then find God’s purpose for me in life and finally, give him all glory in my work.

May my final semester be fruitful :) 

I’m glad I documented some of my thoughts here. It’s good to be brought back to my feet amidst the crazy studying during this examination period. I had a really bad paper yesterday but it was surprisingly.. calming. God just spoke to me at the end of my paper and reminded me of his plans for me. It was like a gentle breeze that blew away all forms of fear and lost hope. 

My God is big.

Ephesians 2:10 

For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God had prepared in advance for us to do

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It’s refreshing, meditating on words like these, remembering that we’re of a special type of species, not made for eating and sleeping or excelling in school. But made with the signature of God for his works.

My journey through the book “In the Grip of Grace” has brought me to a clearer understanding on my relationship with God. Yes, indeed I’ve always known this, but this book has brought about a tiny reminder, a reroute to a simplistic basic that our purpose is in God.

I’ve placed my purpose in many a thing.. be it relationships with family and friends or materialistic items or my future career and even my love for the land of the free, America. These all seemed to fail, or at least brought about a temporary form of meaning to life. 

Its like life is the choppy seas, and it’s either you stand on board a wooden plank, that is not stable, moves with the waves and gives you sea sickness, or you stand on a platform, rooted to the ground and unaffected by the choppy waves. On the wooden plank (purpose in everything else around you) things are uncertain. It might get engulfed by the waves, or overturned by the tides. It always ends up failing or disappointing. However, on the platform (purpose in God), the waves might rise above to your knees or get hit you hard, but that platform would not waver nor does it let you topple over or fall. It’s rooted enough to keep you stable, and tall enough to tide you through the storm.

Hence, at the end of the day, one thing stands.. My Purpose is in God.

We all need companionship. Be it a best friend or a boyfriend or even a group of friends, we need these relationships. But sometimes we let it take precedence over a lot of other important factors and we end up letting it be the basis of our entire existence.

It took me a good couple of years to realise that person described above was me. Maybe there’s a lil part of me that still yearns for such a “security” blanket. But true security is found in stable identity, and each of us has derived or is still deriving our own identity through different means. I’m glad I learnt, albeit the hardness of it all, where my identity should be found in. Unfailing love that is perfect and drives out all fear, that’s where I’m found. 

May this loneliness that sometimes sneak into my heart in the depths of the night not conquer my mind and lead me on a downward spiral again.

Let 2012 and all the rest of the years of my life be a willing sacrifice of love, faith and hope unto you, my unwavering, perfect and steady lover, friend and Father.

God bless.

Your girl is lovely Hubbell..

I’m glad for you.

Well this tumblr has gotten a little dusty and since it has, i’ll just update it a lil :)

With the past topsy turvy month in view, I’ve been pondering about life, love and everything in between. So my conclusion is I NEED TO GET A BOOK. a legit one. not those self help kind but something I can escape into in whilst battling my own baffling internal wars.

Off topic, I’ve been mesmerised by Jlin and how he’s got such fire for the Lord. It’s the kind of fire that draws you to him. Maybe that’s what it’s like.. being a person after God’s heart. maybe someday that would be me. maybe.